In my search

for grace I have found out what doesn’t work. Serving with fear doesn’t work and is certainly not sustainable. I have done it with my children most often. When I serve them with fear, I may get what I intended but it leaves me and them feeling we lost something in the process.

When I serve my children with fear... even if they avoid the catastrophes I imagine, they accept my help resentfully. And slowly the fear undermines our relationship. It eats away at my joy in loving them.

Fear has not worked in encouraging support and service for the environment. The more leaders talk about catastrophe the more they are ignored.
Fear works for a moment but over time fear diminishes our ability to do everything.

I do not believe duty works either. I should.....you should..... My eyes glass over when I hear that overused injunction. Sometimes we hear others say, “We should be doing this, we should be part of that”, not knowing who "should" be doing anything. “Shoulds” can hide guilt and intimidation.
Just like fear, “Shoulds” can work for a short time. But they are not sustainable.

I believe fear and duty do not work, yet over the years I have found something that does. I have been in rooms where people were dying, grieving, bemoaning the loss of a child, a partner, a lover, or a parent. I have been in rooms filled with the pain of parting and in the rooms of families radiant with the addition of a new child. I have been in rooms of celebration and peace. Recently I watched someone end their life by their choice, in a room filled with loved ones. I assure you, even if it is hard to see, these rooms of unbelievable suffering and joy, are filled with grace.

Grace is surprisingly easy to overlook. Our deep emotions of grief, or joy, obscure it. But in rooms filled with the milestones of our lives, if you breathe and look around, you will feel it.

And when you feel it, the best practice for engaging grace within suffering or joy, is to open your heart to it. This might mean stopping your internal conversation and noticing your surroundings. It might mean revealing your feelings, listening to theirs, and opening your heart to grace, and vulnerability.

No one will notice the grace until you do, then everyone will notice. There is no need for virtue signaling or a confusing display of sympathy. Grace is part of our human journey, we are programmed for it. Don’t let fear or duty deter you from grace. It will come if you open to it. I can guarantee it. It's one of life’s tools for loving us.