There is a small room in my house. Nothing special. It has a low chair and a bookcase. I often go there in the mornings and sit quietly. When I sit there in the mornings, I hope to learn enlightenment, even though I am not sure what I will find.
When I am sitting, I notice subtle energies at play. For example, along with awareness of my own reason and willfulness I often become aware of memories. I talk to myself. I day dream. This happens almost every time I sit quietly.
The way I have lived my interior life over decades stays with me. It is a part of me, something I hold on to even when I try to let it go. I hold on to my memories, to my day dreams, to my willfulness and reasoning. I hold on to who I think I am, to the roles I have played, father, partner, worker, minister. On occasion, I notice how I am holding on to the life I have known.
In those moments, when I watch how easy it is to relive what I already know, I realize that letting go is more difficult than I imagined. Holding on is what I am used to.
Sometimes though, when I notice I am holding on to who I believe I am, to my roles, my memories, my past, something different happens. I stop holding on. Between breaths, my hands rest, shoulders droop, my face softens.
I can feel myself in that present moment, with nothing to hold on to and this opens spaces/places in my heart and soul.
When I sit in this state, no longer needing to hold on, I can gently let myself go. I can stop believing I am my past, my memories. And in that moment there is a deep pleasure in my body. Deep pleasure, helps me sit and breathe easily.
This awareness.... comes like a warm breeze in Summer, and leaves the same way. The rhythm of uncommon awareness, coming to me and leaving me, continues throughout my sitting.
At times, I can feel myself holding on, in ways that surprise me. Then, as my breath gently comes and leaves, something inside me lets go.
Sometimes I am not even sure what I am letting go of. I only know there is more space inside, after it leaves. Maybe it is just that I am not holding on.
In these moments of softness, or ease, it feels like a promise is being made. I’m not sure if it comes from inside or outside me, but it is a promise. It tells me enlightenment is for everyone who sits quietly.... everyone. It tells me that enlightenment happens slowly, in small insights, each insight building upon another. This promise helps me feel invited to go even deeper in my letting go.
When my holding on, changes to, letting go, I feel..... delight. The delight makes sitting quietly........ sustainable.
Most days, my sitting quietly ends with delight. As it is ending, I stretch and remove a light blanket, from my legs. My legs slowly awaken from being asleep.
I say a prayer, blessing all my relations, for life’s promises and I continue my day.